Script Talk
by Jeremy Harper
Summary: Kitty, Rogue and Wanda discuss the various pairings they are subjected to in fan fiction. Not meant to be taken seriously.


Script Talk

By 

Jeremy Harper

Note – X-Men: Evolution is the property of Marvel Comics and is used without permission.

Kitty Pryde sat on the front steps of the Xavier mansion, taking advantage of the warm, late August weather. Two stacks of manuscripts rested at her side. She perused them, taking one from the larger pile, quickly scanning the attached synopsis, then setting it on the smaller pile. Sometimes she would snort, other times sigh. All the while her lips were pursed in a tight pout.

Rogue popped out of the front door, pacing in step to the powerful beats of Godsmack thrumming in her headphones, Sully growling out 'Voodoo' in his hard, distinctive baritone. She saw Kitty crouched on the steps, shaking her head sharply. Rogue shut off her MP3 and pulled off her headphones. "Heya Kitty."

"Hey Rogue," Kitty sing-songed flatly as she set another manuscript aside.

"Aren't you in a good mood," Rogue commented sardonically as she sat down next to her best friend. "Whatcha up to?"

Kitty blew a raspberry. "Just looking through this week's batch of fan stories, seeing if there are any I want to act out." Kitty grabbed a bulging manila manuscript envelope and handed it to Rogue. "Here's your share."

Rogue glanced at the writing on the envelope and gave an exasperated sigh. "Not all 'shipper fics _again._"

"'Fraid so, Rogue."

Rogue made a face as she dropped her envelope in her lap. "Jeeze... Ah like romance as much as the next girl, but this is ridiculous. It's gettin' to the point where Ah think Ah'd _kill_ fer a decent, straight-up adventure scenario."

"Tell me about it. I'm tired of getting swapped around like Reilly at a football party. I'm glad my parents don't know too much about this – they'd think I had round heels." Kitty picked up a manuscript, grimaced and put it down. "Lance." She looked at another one. "Lance." She took a third. "Guh! Lance." She tossed it aside with a huff of irritation.

"Ah thought you liked Lance," said Rogue.

"I do, sort of. But, like, I know it's not going to work out between us, in the end. Every time he's nice to me, a little voice pipes up in the back of my mind 'okay, what's he trying to get me to do now?'" Kitty grabbed another manuscript. She took one look at the cover letter and grimaced. "Pietro? _Pietro?_" She looked at her friend in disbelief. "Rogue, over the course of four seasons do you recall me ever saying, like, more than ten words in one episode to Quicksilver, let alone actually _flirt_ with him?"

Rouge shook her head, her silver forelocks swaying over her eyes. "Not that Ah can recall... Usually he's too busy talkin' trash to Evan or Kurt."

"Then where do they get the idea to pair me up with him?"

Rogue shrugged. "Fans are weird."

"Tell me about it..." Kitty picked up the next manuscript and almost immediately dropped it in the reject stack. "Kurt."

Rogue flashed a grin. "What, my brother not good enough fer yah, Kit?"

Kitty rolled her eyes. "_Puh-leeze!_ I love Kurt to death, but, like, in a platonic way, you know? He's as much my brother as he is yours. It'd be just too squicky." She eyed the next waiting story warily. "Wonder what this one will be..." she picked it up and glanced at it. Her eyes widened a little. Rogue arched an eyebrow as Kitty actually flipped over the cover letter and started to glance through the story proper. A light pink colored her cheeks, her blue eyes sparkled, and her pout became a wide grin.

"Who is it?" asked Rogue.

"Piotr," Kitty chirped happily.

This time Rogue rolled her eyes. "Shoulda known."

Kitty ignored her friend's comment, being too busy flipping through the manuscript. "Wow, this is like finding a diamond on the street. The person who wrote this actually knows how to spell, has good grammar and storytelling skills, and Peter and me are the focus of the plot, and not stuck on the back burner." Kitty placed the manuscript at her other side and petted it affectionately. "We have a keeper."

"Kitty, you barely spoke ten words ta Colossus in a _season_, let alone an episode."

"I like big, muscular guys. I'm shallow that way."

"_Just_ that way?"

"Ha Ha, very funny. That isn't the only reason I like him, and you know it. I mean, like, he has the soul of a poet and the body of a Greek god. He's a great artist, is good with his hands-"

"Ah bet he is," smirked Rogue.

Kitty giggled and continued "-and he's probably one of the nicest, most honest guys walking the face of the planet. It's amazing he doesn't have women throwing themselves at him every day."

"A lot a people don't know a good thing when they see it."

"I guess," Kitty sighed wistfully. She glanced at the envelope in Rogue's lap. "Aren't you going to look through yours?"

Rogue shrugged. "Why? Ah know what they're gonna be. Bet ya a sawbuck that the first ten stories Ah pull are Romys."

Kitty smiled and shook her head. "No bet." She looked closely at Rogue. "Does that bother you? I mean, don't you like it, getting paired up almost all the time with the guy you actually have good feelings for?"

Rogue frowned. "Ah don't know if all a my feelings for Remy are good ones. He can be annoying cuss at times... Don't get me wrong, Kit. Ah do like him. Ah think he's sexy as hell, and has a good heart, even if it's a bit tarnished. It's just that, it gets a bit monotonous, ya know? Being the focus a so many stories. It's flatterin' but it gets repetitive. There's only so many ways ya can get the two a us together." Rogue rested her chin on her hands and glanced over at the side yard. "And besides, Ah wouldn't mind a bit a variety, every once in a while..."

Kitty arched one delicate eyebrow. "Like who? Pietro?"

"Please, Ah _do_ have some taste. Ah mean like... Scott." Her voice had sunk to a soft whisper.

"You call that taste?"

"He ain't _that_ bad, Kit," Rogue said defensively.

"I guess. Like, on the rare occasion he pulls that stick out of his butt, he's actually almost human."

"Least Ah don't have a yen for professional thugs."

"What the hell is Remy, then?"

"He's the only thug Ah've ever dated. Once is a coincidence, twice is a kink."

"_Puh-leeze!_" Kitty and Rogue glared at each other. Then, suddenly, they both burst out laughing.

"Silly thing to be fighting over," said Kitty.

"Ah know. Our guys may be thugs, but they're _nice_ thugs. Even Lance."

"On occasion..." admitted Kitty. She peered down the driveway. "Hey, there's Wanda."

"Cool." Rogue waved at the Scarlet Witch as she walked up to the steps. "Howdy, Wanda."

"Hey Rogue, hey Kitty. I see you two got your weekly shipment of fan wank as well." Wanda held up a manila manuscript envelope. It wasn't as large as Rogue's or Kitty's stack, but it was stretched to capacity.

"Yup," answered Rogue. "Ah'm trying to work up the gumption ta look through mine, while Kitty's been busy cutting through the dross."

"I figure the sooner I look through it the sooner it's out of the way." Kitty looked at another manuscript and made a face. "Yuck, Pietro again." She threw it over her shoulder, then glanced up at Wanda. "Whoops... I didn't mean any offense."

Wanda laughed. "None taken. I know what Pietro's like."

Kitty nodded vigorously. "Did ya get all 'shipper fics, too?" Rogue asked.

"You bet your sweet ass I did." Wanda glared at her envelope with distaste. "I'm tempted to hex it out of existence."

"You know, I never asked you this," said Kitty. "Who do you like getting paired up with?"

"Either the Vision or Simon Williams," answered Wanda. "Depends on what sort of mood I'm in."

Kitty and Rogue looked at each other for a moment. "Uh, they never showed up in Evolution, Wanda," said Rogue.

"I know that, but I sure as hell wish they had. I'd like them better than who I _usually_ get stuck with. You two are so damn lucky. You usually get paired with a guy who probably gets a girl wet just by purring in her ear, Rogue. Kitty, at least Lance bathes regularly, and sometimes you're lucky enough to get hooked up with a one hundred percent Grade A, farm grown Russian hunk. What do _I_ get? A wankster with a long, slimy tongue, who brushes his teeth once a week and showers once a year, or a maniacal firebug who needs to convalesce in a mental hospital more than I _ever_ did." Wanda shook her head and plopped down next to Rogue. "I hate my life."

Rogue and Kitty looked at each other again, this time a bit guiltily. "We're sorry, Wanda," said Kitty.

Wanda waved a hand. "It's not your fault. You guys want to hit a movie or something? It's why I came over."

"Sure," said Rogue.

"Just let me finish up the last of these stories," said Kitty. "Shouldn't take more than ten minutes." Wanda nodded. Kitty picked up the next manuscript. She looked at it, blanched and threw it aside. "Ewww ewww ewww _ewww!_ Gross!"

"What is it, Kit?"

"Slash fic! Oh God, like, I have to go scrub my brain out with a brillo pad now!"

"Great. Does the clown who wrote it have me tryin' ta get in your pants, or vice versa?" Rogue shook her head in disgust. "Ah wish some people would understand just because we're best friends don't mean we want to fuck each other."

"No, it's not you this time, Rogue."

Wanda flashed Kitty an evil grin. "Is it me? Should I head back to the Brotherhood house and break out the strap-on, Pretty Kitty?"

"_EWWWWWW!_ No, it is not you, either." Kitty scrunched up her eyes and stuck out her tongue. "It's Jean."

"_Jean?_" exclaimed Rogue. She let out a bark of laughter. "Man, that is rough."

"I don't know," said Wanda thoughtfully. "I mean, objectively, she _is_ a babe... and if you used a ball-gag, you wouldn't have to listen to her." She blinked and looked at her two friends, who were staring at her gape-mouthed. "What?"

"Never mind," said Kitty hastily. She picked up the next story. She read the cover letter, flushed deep red, scowled angrily and dashed the manuscript to the ground. "That is it, I have _had it!_"

"What was it this time?" asked Rogue, startled by Kitty's violent outburst.

"Another slash fic, this time me with Storm!" Kitty threw her hands up in the air. "Why don't they just get it over with and write a story about me putting the moves on my own _mother_, for crying out loud." She grabbed her Piotr script, rolled it up, stood and thrust it in her back pocket. She then gathered up the rest of the manuscripts in both arms and stalked to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"First I'm going to burn these stories, then I'm going to call up Peter and ask him to pick me up, take me away somewhere and get him to lay me all weekend until I forget I ever saw these damn things." With that blunt outburst Kitty phased through the front door.

Wanda laughed and whooped. "You go, Kitty! I admire someone who knows what she wants." She then noticed Rogue giving her an odd look. "What?"

"Strap-on?"

Wanda blushed and her eyes started to dart around, looking at anything but Rogue. "Hey, after a few pair-ups with Todd or John, any girl would be thinking about switching teams, you know?"

* * *

Yes, this story reflects my prejudices. We all have are prejudices, here are mine.

I also know that I said _Deathless_ chapter 6 was next on the agenda. I'm still working in out, and I promise I'll have it out soon. It's just that I'm still having a little trouble with getting it to work out. The idea for _Script Talk_ then popped into my head and demanded to be let out. It only took me a night to write. While I'm tempted to do a second chapter involving Piotr, Remy and John, I'll try to leave that aside and finish _Deathless_.

Hope some of you found this at least a little bit funny.

Cheers all,

Jeremy Harper


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